The World is Frazzled: But You Don’t Have to Be.

We're Running Ourselves Ragged

As a psychotherapist who has been helping people deal with the stresses of life for more than 40 years, I see everyday the ways in which the "American Dream" has become a nightmare. More and more people feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and depressed. They run harder and faster to stay ahead, but seem to be falling farther and farther behind.

"I appear be successful," a 43 year-old man told me, "but in truth I feel terrified. I have a good job, but I don't feel secure. In this economy, I know I could lose it at any time. We have money in the bank, but we spend a lot, and if I didn't keep working, we would crash pretty fast. I feel totally frazzled."

Although feeling frustrated and overwhelmed affects both men and women, men often suffer from a common, yet misunderstood problem called "Irritable Male Syndrome" or IMS. Based on research with nearly 60,000 males and thousands of females, I've found there are four common causes of IMS:

1. Biochemical changes in brain chemistry.
2. Hormonal fluctuations.
3. Increased stress levels.
4. Loss of male identity and status.

Although IMS is a problem that many men experience, it is often the women who suffer the most.

"My husband used to be the kindest, most considerate man I have ever known," a 52 year-old mother of three told me. "But lately he has become more and more irritable. He's made a Jekyll-to-Hyde transformation." When male pain and frustration turns to anger, it's often directed at their wives and children." I love this man with all my heart, but I don't know if I can keep living with the abuse. He even treats the kids harshly, and he's never done that before. I don't know what to do."
Women need to recognize and understand what is going on with the man in their lives. I recommend both women and men take the research questionnaire at IMSquiz.com. Men are often in denial about the problem, but begin to take it seriously when they see their score on the quiz.

I also help women understand that they are not responsible for his irritability and anger even though he may blame her for his problems. Some women believe that they have to accept his abusive behavior. That is not the case. You can be understanding with out being a doormat.

Most people tend to blame themselves or their partner. They rarely stop to look at the bigger picture. It's hard to take a step back and see what's going on when we're just trying to get through the day. We're so stressed out and frazzled we don't have time to catch our breath. So what are we to do?

Stop in the Name of Love

Years ago, Dr. Jerry Jampolsky wrote a book called Love is Letting Go of Fear. He correctly recognized that fear and love are opposites. When we're living our lives in a state of fear, we can't feel love for ourselves, each other, or the planet we all share. But how do we let go of our fear when there seems to be so many things we must worry about?

Finding the answer to that question is how I begin most all of my counseling sessions. Here's an image I use that helps me to help those who come to see me. Most people who sit down in my office are afraid. Some are afraid they are losing the intimacy they once had. Others are afraid their relationship is about to end. Some are afraid they won't have enough money to pay their bills. Others are afraid they can't stop drinking.

Whatever the fear, they see themselves as flailing in a deep pool of water about to drown. The more afraid they become, the more they kick and scream and grasp for something that will keep them afloat. Get the picture?

What I know that they don't know is that they are not about to drown. In fact they are not at the deep end of the pool, but at the shallow end, in three feet of water. My job is simply to get them to trust themselves enough to stop flailing. When they do, they find that they can touch the bottom. At first they are suspicious. They are sure that somehow the pool will open up and swallow them. But gradually they come to see that whatever the problems they face, they can be dealt with. The worst is not about to happen.

It's a cliché that 90 percent of the things we worry about never come to pass. Most people's relationships don't fall apart, and if they do, most people find new ones that are even more satisfying. Some new relationships are as bad as the old ones, but most people learn from past mistakes and do better the next time. Most people find the money to pay their bills or learn to reduce their spending so they can live within their means. Most problem drinkers eventually get help and recover, though it's a long, hard journey for many.

Fear is good for big business. It drives people to buy what they think will offer them security. Love is good for human beings. It drives people to care for each other.

As our country begins a new era with a new President, maybe it is time for each of us to let go of our own fears and renew our hope for the future. What would happen if we got off our own self-created treadmill, took a deep breath, and asked ourselves if we're heading in the right direction? What if we stopped thrashing about and let ourselves settle to the bottom? What would happen if we bought less stuff and spent more time enjoying the things that money can't buy? What would happen if we transformed the American Dream from one based on consuming more to one based on appreciating what we already have? What if, starting today, we committed to letting go of fear and filling our world with love? Just imagine.