My lover is dating two women. We are both hurt over this. Do you have any advice?

In some other cultures, and in other times, co-wives were the norm, an arrangement necessary for sharing the burden of housework and producing plenty of offspring to tend the fields. For medieval royalty, they guaranteed an heir to the throne, with backups to spare.

In ancient China, a woman might bring her sister into her husband’s home as next-in-line spouse in case she died in childbirth. If there was a shortage of men; certain societies allowed multiple wives to increase the population of a particular sect or tribe. A shortage of women resulted in some cultures giving a man’s brothers sexual access to his wife. This was all a function of some imagined or very real need. For example, a sister or cousin whose husband had died was often brought into a household to make sure that she and her offspring were well cared for.

When we were writing He’s Just Not Up For It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It (HarperCollins/Morrow 2008) we surveyed more than 4000 people who were living in marriages that were sexless by choice of the man. One female respondent wrote that she and her husband were polyamorous, because he was physically unable to be intimate with her. She said that she had several lovers and her husband knew and accepted them all. (Polyamory is a term meaning an intimate, loving relationship with more than one person at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.) We do not know any couples in this type of relationship, and believe maintaining one relationship well is challenge enough, but there are websites that seem to indicate that certain people prefer this lifestyle, and defend it. However, this is quite different from your situation.

Since you say that you are unhappy (and by the way, we suggest that the male member of this trio may certainly be uncomfortable when you talk to him about all this, but isn’t nearly as unhappy as you both think he is) we have to say that sometimes it’s just a better idea to take your chances and be alone for a while. We realize that this can be frightening and painful for a time, but consider that you are already “depressed, angry, and sad.”

Ask yourself: Why do I want to live my life this way, as the other woman’s other woman? Realize that if he hasn’t made up his mind after three and a half years, he has no intention of ever doing so. We could over analyze all this and say he is afraid of commitment, but we really think that like medieval royalty, he has two girlfriends because he can. You are getting the relationship you deserve right now, because you are allowing this to happen to you.

You ask if we “have experience with similar relationships” and, as we previously mentioned, the answer is no. But we have seen a lot of women (and men) find good, solid, committed partners in their fifties, sixties, seventies, and even eighties. We don’t say it’s easy, but it happens all the time. Since you asked our advice, it’s this: Leave this guy and give yourself a chance to have the committed, loving and monogamous relationship you seem to want. (Don’t worry about what your counterpart does, it’s of no importance.) Otherwise, this holiday season you’ll be negotiating, all over again, about who gets the prize for Thanksgiving, and who gets him for New Year’s Eve. Is that really the way you want to live your life?