Marriage Decisions -- When To Give Up?

I have been in a married relationship for 2 years but with the same man for 11 years that was after a 13 year - 1st time. I married both times out of fear of being alone and both times ended up regretting my decision....now the financial comfort factor comes into play and I stay now because it is comfortable...not a good reason but better then being alone, I had thought...but after a month of testing the waters ...I can live alone. Am I happy...content...and some day I will make the committment to happy...when that day comes is still the big question....maybe when the kids head to University or a win the lottery...???

Hello,
How are you? I saw your profile today at http:(www.thirdage.com)and feel like contacting you.I feel we may become matches(liliankuru@yahoo.com) is my contact. Kindly make a contact if you are interested, so that i can send you my picture for you to know who iam meanwhile my name is Lilian. I will appreciate it if you give a good responds.Thanks and remain blessed.
(Remember the distance,color or age does not matter but love matters alot in life)

My husband and I have been together 10 years, most of which he has traveled extensively for his job. He is gone for weeks at a time, sometimes months at a time. We have a part-time marriage at best. We have had LOTS of marital problems not surprisingly. My husband is well aware that his work demand to travel and be gone so much of the time is destroying us, but he chooses to continue. He is 54 and he is afraid to leave his job for fear he can't find another one that would allow him to be home daily. I understand his reluctance, but bottom line, he seems to be putting his job before our marriage. He says 'he's doing this job for us and our future', but I tell him that the way things have been going and the current state of our relationship, there will not be an 'us' to be working for, so what good is it? If the very thing he is 'working for' is being destroyed, what point is it? What is your opionion?

We have been married 28 years and over the last year I have started seeing a decrease in affection towards me. I have tried to talk to him about it and he says just having me in the room or knowing I'm there is enough for him. I explained it wasn't for me and that I still needed the physical and verbal parts. I can't help but take it a bit personal and feel that maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore. There has also been some worry that he might have been seeing another woman that he works with who does not live in our town, I haven't seen any recent signs that this is still going on, but I still wonder if they are hooking up when he goes to "work related" trips.
I have this horrible fear of being alone at my age and trying to make it on my own. I still love him but am not sure what to do? I think about counseling, but I'm not sure he would go. Anyone else been through this and have suggestions? Thanks!

I recently left my husband of 16 years. You have to think if you are better with him or without him. Kids - are they always hiding in their bedrooms. Does the thought of him touching you turn you right off? You are more depressed than happy - hate to leave work - because you have to go home to him. You deserve to be happy - even if it means you have to be alone for a while.

I have been married 38 years. For the first time my husband and I skipped our anniversary. 14 years ago our daughter was killed by a drunk driver. After 6 years I decided to return to college and I am currently completing my masters program in counseling. My husband chose alcohol and at this point in time his life is in a total shambles and he is oblivious. I think I have given up and I am ready, but it is very scary to end a relationship after all these years. Starting over in your 50's, financially, emotionally, sexually, and alone can be very intimidating. At this point I am beginning to think about the process of letting go and moving on. When one partner is sabatoging the relationship, the other must think of their own survival. I am hoping for the best.

Ok this is my situation. I have been married for 20yrs. My youngest child is 16. I have come to a crossroads in my marriage to the point that i am so full of resentment. I fell in love with the man of my dreams 20 yrs ago and we married had 3 beautiful children. Our life was full of love and adventure. My husband was injured on the job 15 yrs ago and could no longer work. I took on full time work, taking care of a home and raising 3 boys. My husband for a long time was great, my boys were happy and my yard was always beautiful. However he never helped with the housework or anything else. He later was diagnosed as being Bipolar. and on top of all of this he is in total denial that he is an alcholic. He believes because he only drinks beer that he is not. Our relationship has slowly grown apart. he has gone one path and i have gone another. My life consists of my childrens which are my every joy, my dog and my career. His life consists of beer and isolating himself from the world. He has been through AA 3times, and has told me numberous time to not make him chose between me and his beer. To make matters worse he has been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer in july of 2006. He is going through some treatments and at this point in time he is in remission however, his health and mental well being is not that good. I do not know what to do. I do not feel like i can leave him at this point in his life, but at the same time i am not happy and i have so much resentment for him. Please advise.......

Where to begin? Well I am 31 and have been married for 8 years this past October. We met in college (both athletes). I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have to admit in the beginning I was very scared because he was everything I had ever wanted in a man. I actually started thinking that he could not be real. I even tried to convince myself that it was just a matter of time before he did something wrong or would start getting on my nerves like all of my past boyfriends. I kept waiting and waiting but he was for real. He was the type of man that people were drawn to. He made me and everyone around him want to be better but not in a goody-goody way. Down to earth, unjudgemental, honest, loyal, considerate, handsome and always the perfect gentleman. He made me feel like the only women on earth. I had always been a cheater and I never thought I would find anyone I could be completely and willingly faithful to. I found him, he made me a better women. I always thought of how my actions would effect him and us. I have prided myself on being faithful to the love of my life for 9 1/2 years, without a moment of doubt. We have a 4 year old daughter and although things were not as passionate as they were in the beginning, I could truely say up until August 27, 2007 I thought I had it all. I never doubted him, I trusted him nievely and completely. I had that "warm fuzzy" I like to call it. Security and contentment that all my friends were jealous of. I we had been a little distant but you goes through those times in a marriage but we always woke up and came back to each other stronger than ever. Only not this time. I began making my little steps to draw us back together, little notes, emails and more affection. He was not responding like all the times before. I became all little worried but I did not want him to think I did not trust him, after all he had always been the perfect husband and father never given me one ounce of reason to worry. So why was I? I am not a jealous person. I could not shake this feeling in my gut. In the middle of June he could not get an erection one night. I thought it was strange but shook it off. I mean I have never been insecure. I was a personal trainer for 5 years and I am in incredible shape, so I never contimplated it being me. So, the 2 weeks go by and it happens again and this time I am rocked. I finallly have to face this feeling I had in my gut and I just came out and said "what is going on?" I could only think of 2 reason, neither good. 1.) You are not attracted to me. 2.) You are getting it somewhere else. I only women he knew was his married office manager who came over on Friday after for drinks. We had even had her and her husband over a couple of times. She was redneck, certainly did not have my body and she "dips" tobacco. Hesay well....and hesitates. My heart is racing. He then says "you know you have not been working out as hard lately and I think your ass looks a little weird. I sat there with my mouth wide open not believing my ears. This is a man who would never ever in a million years say anything to hurt me. I was shocked and hurt and scared. I burst into tears and was devistated to say the least. We talked and he held me and an hour later we made love. So, the next morning I am thinking well obviously that had been a lie. So what was the reason. No, it couldn't be that he was attracted to the redneck, so I asked. He looked at me crazy and said "you're kidding". We are just friends and I do not even look at her that way. I thought of course that is crazy. So why do I still have the feeling in my gut? I wise up and get a copy of his cell phone bill and to my surprise, 231 minutes of calls. They had been talking for months. Especially when he was out of town. I was furious. I confronted him and he stood strong that it was just a friend. Long story short after 45 days of torture I backed him into a corner and said I had sceduled a poly graph test. He confused that they had been meeting for 4 months and only kissing. I wanted to die. I still made him take the test and they never had sex but is was not because he did not try. She was the one who wouldn't. Now 5 months later I am still full of rage. I called her husband and told him what had been going on and then she filed a false criminal charge aganist me. She left work a couple of weeks after I found out to have a surgery. I charge was thrown out after I spent money on a lawyer. I am not in the process of suing her in civil court and to top it off she came back to work laster week. He has apoligized and begged and pleaded for me not to leave. I believe that it is over and he is doing and saying everything right. I am trying to hold my family together but how do I seattle for this man who lives with me know. It is like my soulmate, my best friend and the love of my life was replaced with an evil twin. I feel dupped, humiliated, disrespected and crazy. Am I being to hard on him. I only expected what he lead me to believe that he was an honest, loyal and moral man. My image of him is shattered. How am supposed to stay is this marriage where I feel like a nut case with the checking and wondering and worrying. How and why would I? My heart and my head are in a tug of war and it is about to rip me in half....help!

When my sons and daughters have grown and have had their own family, I decided to end my unsuccessful marriage and throw myself to online dating. I googled a site called meetwealthyboomer.com, I hope it works for me and I can find my new life there. For my ex, we loved, and cared, but seems there's no eternal love in this world. We never had quarrels, but just lost the privity between each other. We can not live on the same step.

This is that same tall, blonde trucker and biker that I have been crazy about for years.

I sure do love that man but I had to leave him for my own sanity.

Any ideas?

Continue to be supportive and patient.

But get thee a full life as she is out there building one for herself.

Any interesting hobbies, sports, woodwork,etc.--anything you you'd be interest in pursuing (besides your wife).

As she tries to find what she feels she is missing in her life and goes about meeting her needs (which is a good thing), you do the same for yourself.

You both may find 2 intersting people in yourselves who decide to reconcile for something even better than what you had before.

Good luck to you.

Isabela

I love my wife- but she left. She wants to be friends, but doesn't want to be married. There was no cheating, abuse, or arguments. She is 55 and people who know her, say she is going through a need for change crisis. Any experience on reconciling chances, if I am supportive and patient?

Blog it! A cat or a lion?

http://www.seniorwoo.com/blog?thatsme

Your wife is not honest enough.

I have been in a marriage for 15 years. It continuously goes downhill. We have had therapy with several different therapists over the years and both decided it doesn't help.

I hate the thoughts of trying to start over in life again. My question is do you think about your current situation and think if I leave will my life get better and then make that decision to do so or if you don't like the thoughts as to possibly being alone in the future then it would probably be best not to leave.

My wife went on a girls weekend trip about a year ago where she met someone. She continued the affair with e-mails, text messages and phone calls. She went to meet him a few months later. I found out about it thru her e-mail. I called her the second day she was gone, she came back home and begged for forgiveness. She has always been secretive with her mobil phone and e-mails, she said she would try to be more open. About a month ago I had a strange feeling and I checked her e-mail the guy she had the affair with said he was coming to town for a sporting event, when I asked her about it she said she was just going to wave at him (and I was bringing her to this event) What is wrong with her?(and me)Last week she told me she was changing her E-mail password because she needed her privacy. Is it time to give up?

Dear DOOR2DOOR2,

Do you want her back? Can you apologize for the negative things said and work towards something maybe even better than what you had before?

Isabela

It might be too late, but I made the mistake of telling my fiancee some very negative things and she is ready to move on. We live in the same house and things are very uncomfortable now. She wants to live there for six months while she finds another place to live

One last thing I didn't mention is this:

It can be very hard being patient when the she says that A) it's going to take time to heal, and B) she wants to do 'normal' things with me to rebuild the trust and love; yet C) she wants more excitement in her life and doesn't want to go back to the marriage we had before. So I'm in a catch-22. I either continue the admitably boring lifestyle (that I pledge to upgrade) before I left, or I 'try to impress her' all the time. One bores her and the other freaks her out. See what I mean about being on audition?

I have to admit, I didn't read all 385+ messages before posting. Sorry.

I am a military officer and I just returned from an overseas deployment. While I was gone, my wife had an affair with a coworker. She originally thought that it would just happen while I was away, and that when I came back she would end it, but I think she was lying to herself. When I confronted her about it, she lied to me and went straight to him to see if he would stay with her. We have two boys, both pre-school aged.

Since then, she found out he didn't want her either, and she's made some attempts to reconcile with me. She lied on 3 occasions since then about keeping in contact with him, but I have finally got her to formally write him to end their relationship, and I have some coworkers who are keeping tabs on things.

We're scheduled to move overseas in less than two months. She says she wants to come with me and continue to repair our marriage. But she keeps things from me still.

She never was a 'party girl' and since I left, this is one way she felt good about herself. I have to say, my wife has developed quite a bit, both physically and emotionally, since we met 10 years ago. She now can be one of the girls who is at the center of attention with the boys at the bar. The problem is, she still wants to go to the bars with the boys, but without me.

I have told her that I want her to have freedom, and I want her to be independent, but that some things just aren't acceptable. I've put my foot down a couple of times. Each time I do, I feel like I may have just crossed the line and she won't want me back.

Reading some of the other posts it is reassuring to hear that others feel that although you were cheated on, you are the one who is 'on audition' to keep the cheating spouse. It's no fun, I know!

Still, the only way I cope is by trying to keep a positive self-image, to spend time with my sons, and to talk to friends. Not just any friends, mind you, but it is important to talk to friends who care about both of us, and who want our marriage to work. My wife talks to friends, too, but some of them are in adulterous relationships, and others don't offer an opinion in any circumstance.

Right now, every day is a roller coaster, and I'll be honest, that some days are pretty good. Still, it hurts to know that I am not allowed to touch her or see her undressed when I know she was willing to with HIM. That brings about a very territorial response that I'm not all that proud of, but feel nonetheless.

We are in counseling together, and she is going to begin counseling for her own issues (perhaps next week). I would love to get some advice, but the only advice I can give is this: be strong, do what is GOOD for you and your kids, don't do anything you'll regret later (like key his car or on the other extreme allow her to go party with the boys until 2:30 am on a Wednesday), seek consolation from friends who care about both of you, and BE PATIENT. The last is the toughest.

I see you didn't get my last post. I am new on this website. OK--shortened version:

1) Talk back to your mind with other images. When the image pops up, replace it with a positive one--non-sexual. Keep doing this

2)If you see the women with him, put funny faces on the women--cartoons, comedians,etc.

3) Coach yourself with separation anxiety mantras such as: "It's ok. It's gonna be ok."

4) When falling asleep:
Pray yourself to sleep, say a repetitive positive mantra, listen to a CD of nature sounds.
5) The more regular sleep you get, your mind will heal.

Dear Ideservebetter,
Did you get my post with ideas? I wrote all this stuff and then registered. Did it go through? Let me know. I'll send again if it didn't.
raindrop685

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a 6 year old. I found out that he was cheating when I was PG. I tried getting over that and was getting better with it until I found pictures on a disc that had my son's baby pictures on it. There were also pictures of my husband having intercouse with about three other women. The image is burned into my brain and I just do not know what to do. How do I get over this and get that image out of my mind. Any good advise?

I found a test on the internet that offers a free marital test that will define your marriage as good, fair or disasterous. It is located at www.healmarriage.com and seems to be free with no strings attached.

I am walking in your shoes. My husband of 23 years has never been very interested in sex. It always was like some kind of favor he was doing for me after I complained and complained. It wrecked my self esteem. About 8 or 9 years ago both of us just gave up even the pretense, and haven't shared a bedroom since. We are not husband and wife, but more like bickering relatives forced to live together. It is a completely loveless marriage--very dysfunctional, sad and lonely. I wish I had left many years ago. We are now at a point where separation is just desperately necessary but can't happen, because in addition to everything else, he can no longer hold a job for more than a few months, and has ruined our finances and future.I have health problems, but have been the primary support for most of the last 7 years. We still have one child to put through college. I've reached the point of no hope, but also very little hope of breaking free and startging over. If your situation is different financially, and I were you, I would leave. it doesn't get better. If the attraction isn't there, it can't be forced. Sad, but true. I hope the best for you. Vent if you need to--it helps.

Okay here is my problem, I've been trying to deal with the fact that my husband of 20 some years no longer has an interest in having sex or any relationship of husband and wife. For 7 of those 20 years I thought something was wrong with me and trying to get him to talk about what may be bothering him and all he would say was that nothing was wrong. Then I came across a posting he put on the internet for wanting sex. Now he tells me nothing happnend and he did nothing wrong, and still we have no connection as husband and wife. I'm really feel like I'm trying to keep a marriage alive that's already gone. He just won't talk with me about this or for that matter anything, and just sweeps things away as if they never happened. Any ideas? Thanks for letting me vent here