Why Do Older Men Date Younger Women?
Posted August 27, 2007 3:32 PM
"Why is it that middle-aged geezers want to date 20-year-olds?" asked Maria Gonzalez, a 50-year-old divorcée from Southern California. "There are many attractive, sexually active women in their 50s and beyond who would make great mates."
Older men date younger women for many reasons. But one thing's for certain: Most of these relationships won't last. Here's why.
1. Fantasy love fades. Usually within a year. At first, the geezer is in love with her looks and youthful spirit. Eventually, he realizes all they have in common is a roof over their heads, and he'll be off to look for a relationship with substance.
2. Geezers may feel younger, but dating younger women won't make them younger. No matter how hard older men try to make the wrinkles disappear, the darn things keep showing up in the mirror.
3. Older men and younger women use each other, similar to a business arrangement. He's got money, assets, power, and security; she's got youth and beauty. If the money runs out, or someone richer comes along, she'll break the lease, leaving him with an empty wallet and his arms around a tree.
4. OK, maybe she's not using him. Perhaps she loves him because he's more patient, laid back, mature, gentle, and understanding than men her age. Still, she's likely considered his bucks at some point. I mean, you don't see younger women with destitute older men, do you?
5. Different energy levels. At 10 p.m., he's wearing pajamas and falling asleep with a book in his hands and glasses on his nose. She's got on her dancing duds and is heading for the clubs. If he doesn't keep up, she might seek someone younger who's able to meet her needs.
6. Different maturity levels. He's got maturity and knowledge that come only from living through years and experience. Bob Russell, a retiree in Phoenix said, "I took a younger woman to a movie. When I mentioned that the actor looked like Humphrey Bogart, she looked at me sweetly and said, 'Who is Humphrey Bogart?' After that, I dated women my own age."
7. Common goals and interests. He wants a golf cart to drive around the retirement community. She wants a Corvette with chrome wheels, and she's opening a flower shop with her girlfriend that requires working 60 hours a week.
8. Lifestyles differ. Take children, for example. "I have two men friends in their late 50s who not only married younger women, but have conceived new babies. Imagine her, years from now, buying 'Depends' for him, and 'Pampers' for the babies. Not to mention the antidepressants for herself attempting to manage the two," said Ivory Dorsey, 54, of Mableton, Georgia.
9. Stand by your man? Younger women may not stand by their older guys through the inevitable hard times that accompany growing old. And while pursuing younger women, guys miss out on meeting someone older who would have been there for them.
10. Health issues. Two women reported they had enjoyed wonderful relationships with their husbands who were 15 years older. But both women were widowed in their 50s. Either party can get sick, but the chances of a younger woman becoming a widow are considerably greater than an older man becoming a widower.
There are exceptions, of course, and couples with an age gap can have wonderful relationships. It's how closely they think together that matters. Connie Presley-Athchley, of Trabuco Canyon, California, is married to a man 20 years younger. "We have a wonderful relationship and a passion for each other," she said.
Amie McCulloch, of Ennis, Texas, said, "Not all younger women are the same. I'm 25 and dating a 40-year-old man. I'm involved with him for love, not his money or what he can provide for me."
There will always be older men who want to date younger women. Most will discover that those relationships don't last. And a few will come to their senses and seek women closer to their own age who share common goals, interests and energy levels. But they'll have to learn for themselves.
Tom Blake is the author of Middle Aged and Dating Again (Tooter's, 2001).
Comments (8)
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted January 3, 2009 9:00 PM
"Fantasy love fades. Usually within a year." As we say in the UK, "What a load of cobblers." The writer has no idea! I am now 74, a British pensioner. Five years ago I travelled to Indonesia where I met an married a wonderful young lady who is now only 24 yet we STILL live a life of total love and fantasy. Since we married, we have arranged many happy marriages between older men, though nothing like OUR age difference which we both admit is outrageous. Should have married her 20 years ago but she'd only have been four! You can read our story at www.an-asian-wife.com
Posted December 31, 2008 8:12 PM
I can tell you from experience that this article has many truths in it. As I got older (I'm 55 now) and was close to reaching 50, I "fell in love" (at least I thought I did) with someone less than half my age. The issues that arose never dawned on me and it was all made much worse by the fact that I realized after a while that it was nothing but infatuation on my part. The sex was incredible but like the old saying goes "what else do you talk about for the other 23 1/2 hours a day?" The stares, the comments (many of them pretty crude), and the assumption that I was travelling with my daughter all played their part in bringing our relationship to an end. Those, and the fact that her parents and I were "almost" the same age (I was actually older than her mother) destroyed any chance of things being long term between us. (Her father actually threatened my life once).
I know that anyone in the position I was in will likely ignore any warnings (just as I did). Looking back, the biggest regret that I have was not seeing the age difference as a major issue and causing the terrible feelings that I carried with me for more than a year after we split up. I now look back and, though I miss her every day, I thank God that we never had a child.
My advice? Perhaps there are situations where a 20+ age difference will work out but those are likely few and far between. The article is right. Maturity levels will always be different. Energy levels are at a much different level. And never underestimate the fact that parental bonds are almost always going to be much stronger than the attraction between two people.
Posted December 27, 2008 11:38 PM
Yea, this list is not at all accurate. I'm 20 and dating a 40 year old. We meet at my work place, and spent the beginning as just friends. While helping him move one day he told me how he felt and well, it is exactly how I felt. There is no way I'm looking at his wallet. I make the same he does! Everything we talk about is on the same level. I graduated college when I was 19, and we spend hours talking about history, life, and society. I agree with the 25 year old with her 45 year old man. Even when he has to have his 'depends' changed, I'll be there helping him. Age has no defined limit for love. If your in love with someone, your in love with them.
Posted December 8, 2008 5:58 AM
yes I am 45 I just recently broke up with my girlfriend she is 44 and she's with a 26 year old now but this is a gay relationship does it work the same way as a older man and younger women they say they're going to get married and and have a baby we were together for almost 5 years they started messing around behind my back i really hope it does'nt work I need input on this.
Posted November 23, 2008 11:13 AM
Well here's my story: I've been with my sketchy ole man since 24, June 2006. We got married the same year we started dating. He was my boss at one point in my military career (Back in 2002), I always thought he was attractive but I kept my distance because he was married and fraternization would have ruined both of our careers. I ended up seeing him at a party at a mutual friends house (summer 06) We were both going through divorces, and both looking for someone to have fun with.
Even though he is 20 years older than I, we have a strong relationship. It is not about money for me. (Half of his retirement goes to his ex-wife!) I am an active duty soldier (enlisted) so its not like I make much money either! I wanted him and he wanted me. We have lots in common. We are both tattooed bikers, we are both gun nuts, we love to tinker in the garage together. He is my best friend, He is my true love. I love him more and more every day. We have been through so much together, about a year ago we decided we wanted to have a baby together. We saved up our money and he had a Vasectomy reversal. Today I am 8 months pregnant. Life is good. We don't share the same problems that some of my friends have. I turned 25 this year and my husband 45. Many of my friends say that they wish that they had the type of relationship that my husband and I have. I think I am just lucky. I found a guy that I am totally compatible with. I will stand by my guy, he is my man bear and I love him, and that will never change! Its not a friggin' business agreement, and in a few years when he starts crappin his britches I will gladly change his man diapers, I think he has more energy than I do. I think the list on here is not accurate at all. I know plenty of other women my age that find older dudes attractive. I love my sketchy old guy, he is hot, I like the age difference and my feelings will never change.
Posted October 26, 2008 8:19 PM
I have been in a relationship with an older man and it seems like he tries and make me into something else. It's like he is trying to make me into what he wants me to be. He has been married twice. His last wife is about two years older than I am(I am 28). He has helped me out in some ways but he isn't able to provide financially if it really came down to it. We don't have any children together, but I have three kids from a previous relationship. His energy level and outlook on life is different. He is constantly in need of money because he doesn't know how to save and spend his own. He tries to give me advice but never follows his own words. Our sex drives are different and everything. The downside to being involved with an older man is they can be jealous and they can die before you and you're left to start over in your 50s.
Posted October 23, 2008 12:33 PM
Hello,
How are you? I saw your profile today at http:(www.thirdage.com)and feel like contacting you.I feel we may become matches(liliankuru@yahoo.com) is my contact. Kindly make a contact if you are interested, so that i can send you my picture for you to know who iam meanwhile my name is Lilian. I will appreciate it if you give a good responds.Thanks and remain blessed.
(Remember the distance,color or age does not matter but love matters alot in life)
Posted October 13, 2008 6:32 PM
So sorry, but I absolutely disagree with most of the above commentary. I was in my early twenties when I met and married a man over 22 years older than I. He was never married before and, of course, neither was I. Most unfortunately, he passed away over ten years ago, but there is not a day that I don't think of him and the wonderful man he was. God blessed us with two wonderful daughters, one of whom is 'just like her father' (Thank God!). Recently, someone asked me if I would do it all over again. My answer was, "Absolutely ... I would do it over ten times if I could". Money was never a consideration ..... age was never a consideration ..... When you are truly in love, you both become 'one' ..... It's a wonderful feeling and a wonderful life!
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